Thursday, March 23, 2006
Baby Find New Home
Posted by Tooyen at 3:37 PM
Tooyen think baby look strangely familiar. If Tooyen not know better, she think baby belong to Hush. Come to think of it, few months ago, Tooyen break into fertility clinic and drink test tube labeled "Hush's sperm." Or maybe did not drink it . . .can't remember. TooYen was looking for morphine, so everything a blur.
Pere Silas come by last night and sign baby's birth certificate. Guess he want to add baby to one-arm monkey collection. Tooyen ask for cash, but Pere Silas pay with alcohol. Even better! Now Hush say he sue for defaming of character. China pooping was accident! So was soiling of comic books. And flaming garage. At least baby have good home in homeless shelter now.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Hush's Defense
Posted by Hush at 3:43 PM
This time that filthy monkey has gone too far! I assume you have heard the rumors? All of Hushville is flapping its collective lips about TooYen's love child. The accusations are too egregiously absurd to repeat, but for the record, let me say that her claims are outrageous attempts to try and antidisestablishmentarianize me out of my mayoral office, so that she can gain access to the royal liquor supply.
Well, over my dead body! I've already called in my good friend Charlton Heston to defend my honor, and since he is apparently deceased, my fully-armed friend Dick Cheney is coming here instead. Tooyen's hideous baby looks nothing like me, and besides, I am probably sterile from roasting my flaccid butt by the fire all these years.
I hereby offer a reward to anyone who can find the true father of that simian miscreant's child, and bring him to justice.
Humph!
Hush, Mayor of Hushville
TooYen Have Love Child
Posted by Tooyen at 3:27 PM
This morning TooYen wake up in terrible pain. Something drop on floor, and it another one-arm baby! Tooyen take baby to WalMart & try to sell, even offer free box Girl Scout cookies with purchase, but baby no sell. Catholic charities tell TooYen they no can find home for baby, it so ugly. Maybe baby find home in circus or Republican party? Pediatrician say baby have fetal alcohol syndrome and maybe bad sunburn. Maybe Tooyen not drink enough alcohol and sunscreen for health of baby? TooYen feel so guilty!
TooYen ask why baby have one arm and long ears, and doctor say have to find babydaddy and ask.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Funding Low
Posted by Tooyen at 1:15 PM
Sorry Tooyen no post for last week. TooYen have baaaaad headache. Spend about $24, 312 on alcohol. Rest of cash go to cigarettes to help headache. Good news is, Tooyen have new job! She Test Monkey for Coppertone. Highly selective process involve asking Tooyen if she allergic to anything. Only thing is politicians and sand.
They shave fur on Tooyen's face and hit with sun laser or something. Whatever. TooYen get check for $20!
While scientist not looking, Tooyen drink bottle of self-tanning lotion. Taste like coconut. Tongue turn brown, but make TooYen feel goooood. Tooyen cook under sun bulb extra 30 minutes and drink banana-flavor tan accelerator.
Next, TooYen try for job as tax auditor. Or bank teller. Or maybe Baskin-Robbins scooper. Or maybe vice-president! Getting thirsty now. Need SPF 8 to quench thirst.
Monday, March 13, 2006
TooYen Get Big Check!
Posted by Tooyen at 4:37 PM
Tooyen so happy! Get big check in mail today. First, TooYen think it big government check for $1,000,000,000 to compensate for television and lost baby. Brother say that one lost in mail with other flood checks. First Tooyen go to Check-N-Go, but need to show paycheck and i.d.. They no accept tattoo on TooYen's butt that say "TooYen so Happy."
Then Tooyen go to First Virginia Bank. Teller not want to take check, so TooYen use ATM machine. Guess who standing outside liquor store? Pere Silas and one-arm monkeybaby! If Tooyen have money left over, she going to attach severed tail for baby arm. That way baby fetch good price when Tooyen sell. Pere Silas not want TooYen to take baby, so she pick up baby later.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Tooyen Fight back
Posted by Tooyen at 7:32 PMTooYen see sad "zero smack" rating and have few comment for "Minxie" on I Talk Too Much.
http://italk2much.com/index.php/weblog/its_warm_out_im_in_a_good_moodsorta/
TooYen have prescription for sad lady Bitter Bitch. First, sell all your children. Nothing cheer up TooYen like find good home for children! Or bad home. Whatever. Just get cash for children and hitch ride to liquor store.
Next put ad online for monkey man. Go something like this: "Full-figured bitch seek man or monkey for sex. Catholic o.k. Halo a plus. Must like cats and big butts. And getting smacked. Bitter Bitch love to smack" After that, have sex with priest & get morphine drip. Don't forget bag over head. That not for you, it for priest.
TooYen need to go scratch fleas now.
Big Shock
Posted by Tooyen at 6:44 PM
Today, TooYen pick out wedding dress and meet mystery monkey man at strip club. Big shock is mystery man have mask on--he really Pere Silas!
He say he hope he and TooYen have future together, and Tooyen say, "No way!" He ask if it because he human and Tooyen monkey. Nope. He ask if it because he have different faith. No way, Jose. He ask if it because he fall off wagon and get concussion. Tooyen not understand question.
It because he homeless! Tooyen already live in homeless shelter. She need man with big wine cellar. Maybe go back and live in Hush Manor. Or White House.
Friday, March 10, 2006
TooYen in Love
Posted by Tooyen at 6:16 AM
Tooyen meet mystery monkey man again. This time Tooyen order drink for him. He drink 4 Suffering Bastards and one Tiki Volcano, start to talk more. Mystery man say he never have sex with adult monkey before, and Tooyen offer to help, but he start to cry.
Say he want to make honest woman of TooYen and marry her, but Catholic church no allow it. Say Episcopal church allow gay marriage and like to bless animals, so maybe they like monkey marriage ? Then he cry even more. Tooyen start to get headache, so she order him another drink. Long as Tooyen get wine cellar, she no care what he do with private life.
Only small problem is, TooYen still married to other guy she meet at strip club. Need divorce before marry mystery man. Tooyen's husband hiding because he no want to pay child support. Tooyen need to find husband, tell him monkeybaby sell long time ago! No need to pay.
But divorce cost money too. Mystery monkey man say he have have big gold ring, fetch lot of cash at Pawn Shop. Tooyen in love!!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Single Mingle with Monkey Man
Posted by Tooyen at 4:54 AM
Last night, Tooyen go to bar to meet Christian monkey man. She barely recognize him. He wearing dark glasses, big robe, hide in booth behind rubber tree. Date hold Tooyen's hand, tell her no one must know he meet her. Something about scarlet tights. Or maybe Scarlet Letter. Whatever. Tooyen order another drink and forget about it.
Monkey man very mysterious. No tell TooYen name. Maybe he rich politician! Maybe have lot of money for wine cellar. Only problem is, monkey man no drink alcohol. Say he in AAA. Or maybe AA. Whatever. He ask if TooYen want him fall off wagon, and Tooyen say no. Not want him to hurt beautiful halo on head. One time TooYen fall off brick house and head hurt for days. He say that why he love TooYen so much.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Christian Monkey Man
Posted by Tooyen at 6:00 AM
Tooyen find Christian monkey man online! He say he love praying and monkeybaby, even one-arm monkeybaby. He say he been waiting for woman like TooYen all his life.
TooYen think he look strangely familiar. Something about halo and beard. What the heck. He meet Tooyen tomorrow at bar for drink. Hope he have nice house with wine cellar.
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