Tooyen So Happy, Drink Lots of Alcohol

Baby Find New Home

2006-03-23T15:37:00.000-05:00

Tooyen think baby look strangely familiar. If Tooyen not know better, she think baby belong to Hush. Come to think of it, few months ago, Tooyen break into fertility clinic and drink test tube labeled "Hush's sperm." Or maybe did not drink it . . .can't remember. TooYen was looking for morphine, so everything a blur.

Pere Silas come by last night and sign baby's birth certificate. Guess he want to add baby to one-arm monkey collection. Tooyen ask for cash, but Pere Silas pay with alcohol. Even better! Now Hush say he sue for defaming of character. China pooping was accident! So was soiling of comic books. And flaming garage. At least baby have good home in homeless shelter now.

Hush's Defense

2006-03-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

This time that filthy monkey has gone too far! I assume you have heard the rumors? All of Hushville is flapping its collective lips about TooYen's love child. The accusations are too egregiously absurd to repeat, but for the record, let me say that her claims are outrageous attempts to try and antidisestablishmentarianize me out of my mayoral office, so that she can gain access to the royal liquor supply.

Well, over my dead body! I've already called in my good friend Charlton Heston to defend my honor, and since he is apparently deceased, my fully-armed friend Dick Cheney is coming here instead. Tooyen's hideous baby looks nothing like me, and besides, I am probably sterile from roasting my flaccid butt by the fire all these years.

I hereby offer a reward to anyone who can find the true father of that simian miscreant's child, and bring him to justice.

Humph!
Hush, Mayor of Hushville

TooYen Have Love Child

2006-03-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

This morning TooYen wake up in terrible pain. Something drop on floor, and it another one-arm baby! Tooyen take baby to WalMart & try to sell, even offer free box Girl Scout cookies with purchase, but baby no sell. Catholic charities tell TooYen they no can find home for baby, it so ugly. Maybe baby find home in circus or Republican party?

Pediatrician say baby have fetal alcohol syndrome and maybe bad sunburn. Maybe Tooyen not drink enough alcohol and sunscreen for health of baby? TooYen feel so guilty!

TooYen ask why baby have one arm and long ears, and doctor say have to find babydaddy and ask.

Funding Low

2006-03-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry Tooyen no post for last week. TooYen have baaaaad headache. Spend about $24, 312 on alcohol. Rest of cash go to cigarettes to help headache. Good news is, Tooyen have new job! She Test Monkey for Coppertone. Highly selective process involve asking Tooyen if she allergic to anything. Only thing is politicians and sand.

They shave fur on Tooyen's face and hit with sun laser or something. Whatever. TooYen get check for $20!
While scientist not looking, Tooyen drink bottle of self-tanning lotion. Taste like coconut. Tongue turn brown, but make TooYen feel goooood. Tooyen cook under sun bulb extra 30 minutes and drink banana-flavor tan accelerator.

Next, TooYen try for job as tax auditor. Or bank teller. Or maybe Baskin-Robbins scooper. Or maybe vice-president! Getting thirsty now. Need SPF 8 to quench thirst.

TooYen Get Big Check!

2006-03-13T16:37:00.000-05:00

Tooyen so happy! Get big check in mail today. First, TooYen think it big government check for $1,000,000,000 to compensate for television and lost baby. Brother say that one lost in mail with other flood checks. First Tooyen go to Check-N-Go, but need to show paycheck and i.d.. They no accept tattoo on TooYen's butt that say "TooYen so Happy."

Then Tooyen go to First Virginia Bank. Teller not want to take check, so TooYen use ATM machine. Guess who standing outside liquor store? Pere Silas and one-arm monkeybaby! If Tooyen have money left over, she going to attach severed tail for baby arm. That way baby fetch good price when Tooyen sell. Pere Silas not want TooYen to take baby, so she pick up baby later.

Tooyen Fight back

2006-03-12T19:32:00.000-05:00

TooYen see sad "zero smack" rating and have few comment for "Minxie" on I Talk Too Much.
http://italk2much.com/index.php/weblog/its_warm_out_im_in_a_good_moodsorta/

TooYen have prescription for sad lady Bitter Bitch. First, sell all your children. Nothing cheer up TooYen like find good home for children! Or bad home. Whatever. Just get cash for children and hitch ride to liquor store.

Next put ad online for monkey man. Go something like this: "Full-figured bitch seek man or monkey for sex. Catholic o.k. Halo a plus. Must like cats and big butts. And getting smacked. Bitter Bitch love to smack" After that, have sex with priest & get morphine drip. Don't forget bag over head. That not for you, it for priest.

TooYen need to go scratch fleas now.

Big Shock

2006-03-12T18:44:00.000-05:00

Today, TooYen pick out wedding dress and meet mystery monkey man at strip club. Big shock is mystery man have mask on--he really Pere Silas!

He say he hope he and TooYen have future together, and Tooyen say, "No way!" He ask if it because he human and Tooyen monkey. Nope. He ask if it because he have different faith. No way, Jose. He ask if it because he fall off wagon and get concussion. Tooyen not understand question.

It because he homeless! Tooyen already live in homeless shelter. She need man with big wine cellar. Maybe go back and live in Hush Manor. Or White House.

TooYen in Love

2006-03-10T06:16:00.000-05:00

Tooyen meet mystery monkey man again. This time Tooyen order drink for him. He drink 4 Suffering Bastards and one Tiki Volcano, start to talk more. Mystery man say he never have sex with adult monkey before, and Tooyen offer to help, but he start to cry.

Say he want to make honest woman of TooYen and marry her, but Catholic church no allow it. Say Episcopal church allow gay marriage and like to bless animals, so maybe they like monkey marriage ? Then he cry even more. Tooyen start to get headache, so she order him another drink. Long as Tooyen get wine cellar, she no care what he do with private life.

Only small problem is, TooYen still married to other guy she meet at strip club. Need divorce before marry mystery man. Tooyen's husband hiding because he no want to pay child support. Tooyen need to find husband, tell him monkeybaby sell long time ago! No need to pay.

But divorce cost money too. Mystery monkey man say he have have big gold ring, fetch lot of cash at Pawn Shop. Tooyen in love!!

Single Mingle with Monkey Man

2006-03-09T04:54:00.000-05:00

Last night, Tooyen go to bar to meet Christian monkey man. She barely recognize him. He wearing dark glasses, big robe, hide in booth behind rubber tree. Date hold Tooyen's hand, tell her no one must know he meet her. Something about scarlet tights. Or maybe Scarlet Letter. Whatever. Tooyen order another drink and forget about it.

Monkey man very mysterious. No tell TooYen name. Maybe he rich politician! Maybe have lot of money for wine cellar. Only problem is, monkey man no drink alcohol. Say he in AAA. Or maybe AA. Whatever. He ask if TooYen want him fall off wagon, and Tooyen say no. Not want him to hurt beautiful halo on head. One time TooYen fall off brick house and head hurt for days. He say that why he love TooYen so much.

Christian Monkey Man

2006-03-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

Tooyen find Christian monkey man online! He say he love praying and monkeybaby, even one-arm monkeybaby. He say he been waiting for woman like TooYen all his life.

TooYen think he look strangely familiar. Something about halo and beard. What the heck. He meet Tooyen tomorrow at bar for drink. Hope he have nice house with wine cellar.

TooYen Need House

2006-03-07T06:57:00.000-05:00

Tooyen tired of waiting for big government check. Brother in White House no answer calls. Tooyen need husband! Tired of living in homeless shelter. Tired of eating soup with no alcohol or cigarrettes.

Realize maybe last online ad not so good for find husband. It say, "Beautiful, exciting female with big brown eyes seeks hulking male to take long walks, swing from trees and have lots of sex. Did Tooyen mention that she loves sex? In fact, that all Tooyen think about -- S-E-X." Tooyen get lot of response, but sustain bad monkey bite on leg from wife of Lemuro.

Now TooYen try Christian online dating. Go on site called Christian Single Mingle. Ad go like this, "Christian monkey lady seek Christian monkey man age 18-86 for walk in park, praying, and family life. No want sex. S-E-X is B-A-D. Just want good family life. Must like one-arm children."

Hope TooYen get good response. Need nice house in suburb with liquor store close by.

Alms for the Poor

2006-03-06T17:37:00.000-05:00

Tooyen go to confession today, but not think of anything to confess. Pere Silas say, "What about flood? And fire? And injured orphans & nuns?" TooYen say it not her fault. "What about drunken Marines? And stolen lamp? And soiled china bowl?" Ditto. It not Tooyen fault! And anyway, God know all about those. Saw it all the first time.

Before leave, Pere man tell Tooyen she need to collect alms for poor outside Walmart on Sunday. At first Tooyen say no, but then he say she get free donut, so she agree.

So come Sunday Tooyen take one-arm monkeybaby that no one want to buy to Walmart. She hold can for cash and sign that say, "Baby for sale--cheap!" No one buy defective baby, but TooYen collect lot of money. When Pere Silas come to pick up TooYen he ask for money, and TooYen get maaaad. That Tooyen money! Now Pere Silas have bad monkey bite on leg and one-arm monkeybaby in car. When Tooyen get big government check she give church lot of money. Or maybe not.

Crime of the Century

2006-03-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

Enough is enough! I thought that Tooyen could not possibly top her former crimes against my Royal Doulton china and my Richie Rich comic collection, and yet, that beastly monkey has befouled Hushville's most priceless possession.

My beautiful gold-plated cross made from Napoleon's back teeth has been splattered with red wine! While I was not actually present at Hushville Catholic on Sunday, it being my day to polish the royal collection of modern Dutch cow creamers, I was told by witnesses that Tooyen was speaking in tongues on her cell phone while running out with the bread, er, body of Christ.

Naturally Pere Silas (who miraculously returned from the U-Store flood) was horrified, and is trying to lure that filthy monkey back here so we can lock her up in Alcatraz. I still have my courtesy key. If not there, I'm sure we can find a place for her in Guantanamo.

Humph!

Hush, Mayor of Hushville

TooYen Beg Forgiveness

2006-03-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

Pere Silas finally find Tooyen today. He say Tooyen commit sin when eat Jesus breadstick & need come to church ask forgiveness. Tooyen go to Catholic church with Pere Man. Only problem is, it very hot in chapel and Tooyen get soooo thirsty. She stare at stain glass get very dizzy. That when man in robe pass around big cup of wine. Tooyen ask for second glass, but other worshippers tell TooYen to shut up. That when Tooyen take matters into own hands. Grab wine bottle & stale bread (get hungry too!) and run out of there.

Now Brer Silas calling TooYen on cell phone. Say she need make confession. Say she not only eat body of Christ with sesame seed on head, but also drink blood. Whatever. TooYen say she not sorry, but maybe go if she get free beads. Tooyen liiiike beads. Can sell at pawn shop to buy alcohol.

TooYen Get Hungry

2006-03-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

Pere Silas tell TooYen she need to do volunteer work, so she offer to paint homeless shelter. White spraypaint smell so goood, that Tooyen shut all the windows and inhale deep. Only problem is, TooYen start to get the munchies. She eat whole pot of leftover soup, but she still hungry. She look around and find delicious-looking breadstick. She halfway through before realize it was Jesus. What the heck. TooYen eat the rest.

Now, only problem is Tooyen auction off breadstick on Ebay for $250 this morning. TooYen try to explain to buyer, but they no understand. Tell TooYen she going to Hell, so Tooyen break computer. Now Pere Silas have 0% good ratings and he looking for Tooyen.

Breadstick Miracle

2006-03-02T08:34:00.000-05:00

Tooyen so happy, another miracle happen! Pere Silas show up at place with free alcohol sign. He say he going to help people in line, but he very thirsty, need drink first. People think he bleeding, but he really covered in red KoolAid. He get ride in ambulance with free morphine drip. Share with Tooyen since she first of kin. Tooyen like morphine a looottttt.

TooYen ask about monkeybaby, and he say baby fine. Tooyen say, "No, where is money for baby?" Pere Silas say he find baby home in Africa and he bring TooYen money later. Baby can work in banana field, send more money for alcohol and morphine.

Later, Tooyen take Pere Silas to homeless shelter for free soup and another miracle happen. Breadstick look just like Jesus! Well, almost. It look more like long, skinny one-arm Jesus with sesame seed on forehead. TooYen about to take bite, but Pere man tell her, "Wait!" Tooyen decide to auction breadstick on Ebay tomorrow. Oh wait, TooYen banned from Ebay for life. Maybe Pere Silas do auction.

Free Alcohol!

2006-02-28T08:38:00.000-05:00

This morning TooYen wake up with baaaad headache. Look out window of homeless shelter and see sign advertise free alcohol! Tooyen think it mirage, or maybe miracle, but go to check it out anyway. There about 500 people waiting to get alcohol, so Tooyen bust in front of line.

Imagine Tooyen surprise when alcohol taste like KoolAid! And TooYen no see cigarrettes. Few seconds later, Stripes put handcuff on TooYen and say something about Richie Rich comics. Tooyen no understand, but wrist so skinny, escape from cuffs and run away. Look like other 499 people start to get mad that KoolAid not alcohol and make mob.

Tooyen still waiting for goverment check. Have to ask brother what taking so long.

Hush Sets a Trap

2006-02-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

I received my Ebay items today and it is impossible to overstate the horror I felt upon opening them! The Richie Rich comics were soiled with something brown, and reeked of beer, as if they had been dragged through floodwaters in a garbage bag or something. When I tell you that Cadbury's face was covered in brown smear you'll understand my outrage.

My ghastly suspicions were confirmed when I saw the Hush royal imprint inside the front cover of "Dollar$ and Cent$" #32. That filthy thieving monkey will pay for her crimes against humanity this time!

I am setting a trap so ingenious that it will stagger Hushville, and maybe even the world. Stay tuned for details tomorrow. Humph!

Hush, Mayor of Hushville and Disgruntled Ebay Customer

Ebay Money for Tooyen

2006-02-28T06:37:00.000-05:00

Tooyen so happy--sell lots of stuff on Ebay last night! Open fake account and bid items oh so high. Now TooYen have money to buy lot of alcohol. Mail stuff later. Or maybe not at all. Maybe sell more stuff on Ebay. Maybe sell stuff Tooyen not even have! Tooyen love America. Tooyen place bid on alcohol and cigarettes. Go see if she won yet. Use fake credit card with big limit.

Adventure on Ebay

2006-02-28T06:22:00.000-05:00

Whew, what a relief. I stayed up until 4:00 a.m. bidding ferociously on those Richie Rich comics Hush wanted, and finally won them for $995.00. When I went to tell Hush, he said, "Did you get them for under $9.95?" and I realized the terrible mistake I had made. When I told him, I thought he was having a stroke, but some chamomile tea seemed to help. At first, Hush said I would have to cancel the order. But I can't do that. It would mean getting a bad rating on EBay.

So Hush kindly says I can pay off the difference by working for 13 cents a week. He says if I can't pay it off in my lifetime, my children can work for him. Isn't he nice? I am so grateful to have a nice boss like Hush.

TooYen Receive Government Assistance

2006-02-26T04:58:00.000-05:00

Tooyen so happy to escape flood. She go to stay at homeless shelter and eat lot of soup. When she tell social worker about flood, they say TooYen need to ask government for money. Tooyen deserve compensation! Lady give Tooyen food stamps, and TooYen so happy!

Go to Food Lion and fill cart with beer. Only problem is, they no allow Tooyen to buy alcohol. No problem. TooYen fill another cart with cigarettes. Cashier say she no take food stamps. That when Tooyen go crazy and take whatever she want. Tooyen push both cart down U.S. Route 1. TooYen VERY popular at homeless shelter after that. Now TooYen apply for big federal money. Not only baby gone, but TooYen TV missing in flood-- No can watch Divorce Court! Should be worth about $1,000,000,000.

The Official Story

2006-02-26T04:32:00.000-05:00

Uh, hi, it's me, Stripes. I just wanted to explain what happened at the U-Store flood the other night. See, it was my night off, so I was busy scrubbing Hush's hubcaps with a toothbrush when the fire bell went off. We don't have any of that newfangled equipment here in Hushville to tell us where to go in an emergency, so I just got on my fire bike and rode around until I heard screaming. What I saw was about 6 inches of dirty water on the floor of the U-Store.

Then I saw some guy in a frock with a halo running pretty fast. He had something under his arm--I think it might have been a small monkey. Tooyen was dragging a big garbage bag full of stuff and talking on her cell phone. Turns out the screaming was coming from Hush hollering about his comic books. Anyway, my first order of business was to try and save those comics, so I waded through the muck. Unfortunately, to save money, Hush had rented the unit that's below sea level, so it was full of water. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty sight. I spent the rest of that night making chamomile tea for Hush, and now I'm busy looking for those comics on Ebay. In fact, I think I've found the exact set! My bid's up to $300 with 24 hours to go. I sure hope we get them . . .

Why TooYen Drink

2006-02-22T16:55:00.000-05:00

Tooyen very shaken up from flood and consider stop drinking alcohol. Then another miracle happen! TooYen find card from Pere Silas's pocket float on flood water. Make Tooyen think about good reasons to keep drinking alcohol. Tooyen especially want to move up to Skid Row from storage unit 355A. Not know what Flop House is, but has to be nice. #1 Reason to drink washed off, but think it said "Love to vomit!" How can TooYen argue with floating message from God?

Accidental Flood

2006-02-21T12:14:00.000-05:00

It was accident! Not TooYen's fault! Tooyen go to wash child for sale with spigot in U-Store, and hear Judge Mablean come back on. Tooyen never miss Divorce Court. TooYen tell child to turn off water when done. How Tooyen supposed to know child cannot reach faucet? Anyway, when waters rise, Tooyen get very thirsty and drink floodwater. It taste gooooddd!

Tooyen take pool float out of 355A & relax on water. Then Tooyen break into Hush storage & try to save alcohol. Problem is, Pere Silas think Tooyen drowning & come to save in boat. Vision above is last thing Tooyen see. Child gone too, but at least Tooyen have bag full of alcohol.

U-Store Flood

2006-02-21T05:52:00.000-05:00

Another hideous tragedy has occurred in Hushville, where it's beginning to be unfit for man or beast, not to mention the dangers to fine china! The U-Store storage facility, where I currently store all my valuable possessions, such as my Royal Doulton china and back copies of Richie Rich comic books, has been ravaged! Apparently, during the night, there was a flood of Biblical proportions over there, and Stripes, who mans the Hushville fire department, witnessed the likely perpetrator, Tooyen, fleeing the scene. She was dragging along a garbage bag full of who-knows-what she had looted on the way out. Did I mention that I own the U-Store building?

Pere Silas, a venerable Catholic priest of Hushville is believed to be drowned in the flood, along with a couple of Tooyen's monkey spawn. So far the bodies haven't been found. But the real issue is, that flea-ridden monkey should get the death penalty for crimes to my collectible comics alone! Stripes will have to spend another fruitless day on Ebay to replace them, and all my post-it notes inside are lost forever. I swear I will kill that monkey if I can only get my hands around her scrawny neck!

I'm heading over to help the search party find my teacups now. Humph!

Hush, Mayor of Hushville

Miraculous Pizza Delivery

2006-02-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

TooYen have miracle to report. It like this--Tooyen get very bored in storage unit, run out of alcohol. She send out child (for sale! cheap!) to pizza parlor for fetch pizza and beer. Not have money, so tell child to run with beer, answer questions later. Child gone a loooong time, and Tooyen start to sober up. Finally hear knock at rolling storage door on 355A. Beautiful man with large halo stand there say he want to help TooYen! He from Catholic Services refer by pizza parlour.

Tooyen invite him in and he say he like humble home. Tooyen say, you want to help, get TooYen alcohol. Pere man tell Tooyen God will provide and so it miraculously happen. Child come back with LOT of alcohol. Say she find in cooler next to baseball field. After long discussion, Pere Silas drink beer with Tooyen, then another and another until Tooyen not remember what happen. Pere Silas leave in morning & say he pray for TooYen and family. Want Tooyen to give up child for adoption, but TooYen need cash for child. He say he check into it and come back later.

Tooyen need to give child bath so she can sell for top dollar.

TooYen Moving!

2006-02-19T16:59:00.000-05:00

First of all, Tooyen want to answer accusation by Hush. China pooping was accident! Tooyen thought was chamber pot. Hush said to save water in toilet, so Tooyen find nice-sized bowl instead. Did not notice beautiful flowers painted inside. Tooyen offer to replace with bowl from thrift store but Hush refuse.

Now for update: TooYen decide to move out of Hush Manor. She rent storage unit to live in. It niiiice. Have rolling door and light that come on when Tooyen move. Only problem is alarm keep going off. So what if TooYen no have i.d. card? She have right to Unit 355A like anyone else. Only problem is, 355A not have toilet facility, so TooYen bring Royal Doulton bowl. Promise to wash & return later!

My Royal Doulton

2006-02-18T20:36:00.000-05:00

It's me, Hush. Once and for all, I must set the crooked record straight on the long-tailed beast known as "TooYen." In the past week that filthy monkey has run around maiming orphans and nuns; she has single-handedly corrupted an entire platoon of Marines (with purloined alcohol, I might add); wrought devastation on Hushville by incorrectly predicting the snowstorm of the century, and insulted the vice-president, who happens to be a close personal friend of mine (he even sent me a holiday greeting card!).

But those hideous feats were nothing, as compared to the simian's latest skulduggery. And I'm not talking about when she burned down my garage either. No, her crime is so heinous, I can barely put it into words. But here goes: During the storm, while guzzling my expensive Lysol & rubbing alcohol, she "soiled" my Royal Doulton china. And when I say "soiled," I mean that in the Biblical sense. She claims that she thought it was a chamber pot.

How in the world do I explain this to Moosh? I've got Stripes looking on EBay at this moment for some substitute china, but it's probably hopeless. And my top-of-the-line electric razor! My God, if I didn't know better, I'd swear she shaved a bear with it. If I find that ape in monkey's clothing, she'd better be wearing a bulletproof vest.

Humph!
Hush, Mayor of Hushville

Guns No Kill

2006-02-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

Tooyen brother call today & ask for advice on speech. TooYen say "Guns no kill people, Dick Cheney do!" Brother say he not sure that good idea for speech because man not dead yet. Tooyen know good hit cat can fix. He say maybe later.

Maybe Mr. Cheney get fired & TooYen get job! Tooyen want to live in big white house with lot of free alcohol. Maybe Mr. Bear move in too. After fur grow back, bear can be security for brother. Good thing, Mr. Bear never talk so keep secrets.

TooYen not find mother. Brother think she ashamed of children. Speaking of children, TooYen have one for sale. You want to buy? Buy one get one free. No cash--alcohol only. No refund.

Mr. Bear Have No Hair

2006-02-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Valentine Day so TooYen have lot of dates. One date meet on internet name Mr. Bear. He have lot of fur on body, so Tooyen ask him to shave it all off. He shake head no, so Tooyen try to shave for him. Promise he look better without hair! Mr. Bear just growl at TooYen, so she give up.

Mr. Bear have blackberry alcohol in den and it taste gooood. Tooyen try & get Mr. Bear to swing from trees, but he just take nap. That o.k., because TooYen steal blackberry alcohol. She drink it allllll. Then she take electric razor and shave Mr. Bear. Only problem is, Tooyen vision a little blurry and she miss a few spots. Tooyen try to fix, but Mr. Bear wake up and Tooyen have to run away. It accident! Fur grow back in 4-6 weeks. Please no tell Mr. Bear where Tooyen is.

Mr. Bear

2006-02-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

Tooyen snowed in with nothing but alcohol. Not good kind, it rubbing alcohol. Mix with lysol it taste gooodddd. Tooyen hide in Hush Manor during storm and drink alcohol in bathroom. Tooyen very hungover and not remember to post until now.

On left is Mr. Bear. He not talk, but Tooyen think he see everything ...

Mr. Bear try to say something, but he not talk or write. Tooyen not sure if he bear or man in bear suit. Can you guess what Mr. Bear want to say?

Tooyen Predict Storm

2006-02-12T08:52:00.000-05:00

TooYen get job as weather monkey at News Channel 8. She predict storm of century! Look like 70 inches of snow coming, so she tell viewers stock up on alcohol, cigarettes & toilet paper. And don't forget alcohol. Also flashlights to find alcohol in garage. And matches to light cigarettes.

How Tooyen supposed to know panic set in and cause lot of accidents? US marines call in to drive snowplow, but they drunk from Tooyen's alcohol and drive plow into convent. That o.k., because nuns out to lunch.

It not Tooyen's fault! How she supposed to know mayonnaise spill on map? Now TooYen need new job. Maybe call brother, ask for security clearance.

TooYen Proudly Serve Country

2006-02-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

Terrible accident today in Hushville. U.S. marines have shipwreck on way back from Alcatraz! Or maybe they from Okinawa. Whatever. Tooyen so sad she rob liquor store to serve country. Man in store TooYen's probation officer, so Tooyen try to reason with man. She say she just want to help marines, but man not understand. She promise to pay later, but man no like that. That when she steal man's truck. Tooyen never drive stick shift before, but after bottle of Dark Eyes, grinding sound get much softer. Remember, PMP--Practice make pedal go. Sorry, that PMPG.

After Tooyen reach big boat in flames she see sailors bleeding and give them alcohol. One monkey man look like King Kong. He say he cryptologist, so Tooyen ask him to tell future. Then he pass out, so Tooyen take him to hospital. Or hotel. Whatever. Hotel have niiiice minibar. Tooyen call to desk for refill. After that, Tooyen not remember much except when maid chase her. Tooyen just want to borrow mouthwash cart to carry luggage, but maid think she stealing it. While TooYen running with cart, she drop stolen light bulbs, and maid stop running after that. Artwork from hotel look very nice in Tooyen's apartment. So does Kleenex. And new sheets. Had to take blanket too, it match artwork. Oh yes, and soap. Tooyen loooove soap. It match bathroom rug from hotel. Need to go back for lampshade.

TooYen Find Brother

2006-02-11T06:56:00.000-05:00

Tooyen so happy she find long-lost brother! He live in big white house even nicer than Hush Manor. He say he can do anything he want, so Tooyen ask for money for alcohol. He say long as TooYen no tell anyone she related to him she can have plenty alcohol. He say he have extra weapon mass destruction if Tooyen want to use.

Tooyen ask for job in White House. He say some vacancies open up soon so anything possible.

TooYen Need Job Back

2006-02-10T04:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday after TooYen escape mental instutution, she break into local garage & drink little transmission fluid. It taste so gooood to Tooyen. Make everything o.k. Pretty soon, Tooyen start to feel guilty. She want to tell Hush she sorry and beg to get forgiveness. And job back. TooYen no have alcohol supply; she need to make squidages again.

On street she punch out cab driver and drive taxi to Hush Manor. Problem is meter keep running. TooYen not have money to pay meter, so she hit meter. Cab veer out of control and smash Hush's limousine. Tooyen hear scream from top of garage. Oh no. Now Tooyen really want to tell Hush she sorry and that she decide not to kill him this time. And that she need job back. She throw cigarette out of window and run to door.

So sad for Tooyen that no one answer when she bang on front door, so Tooyen climb wall next to Hush's room. Problem is, glue on fur stick to brick. Tooyen cannot get down. Tooyen bored and sad so want to sing "Where Is Love" from favorite musical Oliver. Then Tooyen cell phone start ringing. It keep ringing, but Tooyen cannot move hand so she scream at phone that she call back soon as she get off wall. Tooyen sing and sing and phone ring and ring until suddenly everything go black. Now Tooyen have awful pain in head. Good news is glue stick kill all Tooyen's fleas and Tooyen not stuck to house anymore. Bad news is flames from garage singe Tooyen's fur. Tooyen need to rest for job interview today.

Tooyen Needs to Go To Alcatraz

2006-02-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

I see that Tooyen the psychotic glue-sniffing monkey escaped from the Hushville Psychiatric Hospital last night, and for the record I plan to sue!! So what if I own the hospital? My lawyers assure me that I can soak them for millions. How dare they leave that monkey alone for even a second. She has already tried to assassinate me once. The crazy-eyed simian tried to climb up to my window last night, and now she appears to be stuck to the side of the brick. And her damned cell phone rang outside my bedroom window all night! If it hadn't been for my wife Moosh hitting her over the head with a shovel, I might not be here today.

I have Stripes patrolling Hush Manor right now, just in case that revolting monkey manages to detach herself from my house's exterior. This morning I saw a highly suspicious prowler on the lawn, so I called a criminal art specialist to do a composite drawing of it. The prowler looks like a very nefarious specimen to me, and if I ever see him again, you'd better believe I'll be yelling for Stripes.

TooYen Escape

2006-02-09T05:37:00.000-05:00

Detox taking too long, so TooYen decide to self-medicate during rehabilitative crafting session. First, Tooyen try applying glue stick to arms, but fur get too sticky & glue not absorbing. Then TooYen decide to eat glue stick. It was goooooddd. Tooyen especially like transparent gluestick & decide to borrow from other detox patient. Problem is, she not want to share. Tooyen lift gown and bite her on leg. Gluestick have strange effect. Make Tooyen go crazy and swing from flourescent lights. That when lady in white coat shoot Tooyen with paralyzing dart.

Good thing TooYen coated with glue, so dart not penetrate monkey skin. Tooyen pretend to go unconscious until lady leave room. Then Tooyen open one eye, open other eye, and jump out of window. Lucky for Tooyen so skinny fit through metal bars.

It all Hush's fault. Now Tooyen planning to kill Hush. Have friend who will do it for 3 bananas. Stay tuned for details. Tooyen feel sleepy now.

Coming Soon . . .

2006-02-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

Hi, it's me, Stripes, again. I found some secret footage of Tooyen's bus crash into the orphanage and I will be airing it on this site shortly. Stay tuned! Uh oh, I hear Hush calling me now. Bye.

Stripes's View

2006-02-08T14:50:00.000-05:00

Uh, hi, this is Stripes, Hush's personal attendant, chauffeur, gardener & school bus repair person. Actually, I am not a "person" at all. More of a tiger that Hush captured in India. Some people think I'm soft-spoken, but actually Hush had my vocal chords altered so he can't hear me screaming in my sleep. Anyway, about those brakes, I, uh, sort of ran out of duct tape and had to use scotch tape, and even though Hush hates the Scotch as a rule, he said it would be o.k. to use it.

Did I mention that Hush is great? He pays me 13 cents a week, plus all the scones I can eat. Well, up to 5 a week. Anyway, I get to sleep over the garage. I'm afraid of the dark, so Hush lets me keep a nightlight on. Is that good enough, Hush? Do I get to keep my job? Um, I have a roof that needs fixing, so bye.

Hush's Rebuttal

2006-02-08T09:16:00.000-05:00

I have a few choice words in rebuttal of that drunken monkey's libelous post. First of all, I come from a long line of distinguished British gentlemen, and am currently the mayor of Hushville. My award-winning restaurant, Benihushhush, serves only the finest cuisine. For the record, we only use the choice parts of the squid, including legs and genitalia. There are NO squid eyeballs in the product. In fact, I don't even think squids have eyes!

Ab-o-Hushomatic, my patented abdominal machine, is a wonderful product. Yes, there were one or two injury lawsuits involving it, but that is because the stupid, silly consumers neglected to follow a few simple instructions & detach the concrete bottom from the spring before using.

As for claims of abuse against that filthy monkey, I deny them all. I only chained her to the bed at night, so she would not raid the mansion's liquor cabinet. And yes, she did work 18 hours a day, but I paid her overtime of $1.54 per hour! What an ungrateful wretch. As to the allegations regarding the school bus, my personal attendant Stripes checked every school bus's brakes in Hushville on the preceding Saturday. Tooyen's bus had just had fresh duct tape applied to the braking system, so obviously the accident was all her fault! Humph!

--Hush, Mayor of Hushville

Used and Abused

2006-02-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

Tooyen in detox. It all Hush's fault. Hush is British gentleman who used to be Tooyen's boss. Let Tooyen tell you thing or two about Hush. First of all, he chain Tooyen to bed in mansion and make her work 18 hours a day making squidages for restaurant Benihushhush. And let Tooyen tell you ingredients of squidages: All parts of squid including eyeballs and mouth parts. Plus whatever crumbs Tooyen find on floor and sometimes Tooyen's poop. Hush charge $75 a plate for squidages in restaurant.

It also Hush's fault that Tooyen not have license. Hush call police when all Tooyen do is drive school bus into orphanage! It not Tooyen's fault that beer bottle roll under brake pedal. Anyway, no orphans die, so everything o.k. Tooyen calling for boycott of all Hush products, including restaurant and ab-o-hushomatic abdominal exercise machine.

Thank you for support.

Are You TooYen's Mother?

2006-02-07T16:02:00.000-05:00

Tooyen need to see her mother again. Tooyen have fatal disease & need bone marrow transplant. Well, maybe not exactly. But Tooyen do need valium. And it possible mother is pharmacist. Maybe she woman who decorate cakes at Kroger. Tooyen like cake. Maybe she telephone repair woman. Tooyen have overdue phone bill too. Car mechanic would be good. or bartender. Yes, bartender would be best. Maybe Oprah can help Tooyen find mother?

Last time Tooyen see mother was when Tooyen sold to Hush family for two yen. Tooyen is posting last known picture of mother to try & locate. Tooyen stare at picture & think mother look so familiar. It easy to see where Tooyen get her striking good looks.

The Morning After

2006-02-07T09:56:00.000-05:00

Oooohhhhh, Tooyen have bad headache. Phone keep ringing. Maybe it was not good idea to post home phone number on Website? jfj?jnd mg/ hdkgm--Sorry, Tooyen accidentally do Dvorak. Now headache even worse.

Date with Lemuro go until 10:00, time for other date at Rainforest Cafe. King Don, second date, show up and see TooYen with Lemuro. King Don challenge Lemuro to a duel. Tooyen say no need to fight over Tooyen's honor -- you can both buy TooYen a drink. They no like that idea. 10:30 Date #3 arrive. He really DO look like King Kong. Tooyen think she in love. Pretty soon wife of Lemuro show up and everything a blur.

Tooyen banned from the Med in unrelated incident involving flaming school bus. Minor Medical Clinic give Tooyen Valium for monkey bite on leg. Tooyen feel no pain in leg, but ready for refill.

Online dating is better than Tooyen dreamed. Here picture from date. Guess which one is Tooyen!

Date With King Kong

2006-02-06T18:39:00.000-05:00

This is image of monkey man TooYen wish to meet. He say he the man for me, so Tooyen spend hours on phone talking to him. First name King, last name Kong. Went to meet Mr. Kong at Rainforest Cafe. Sadly, there was only one lonely man in restaurant behind fern, who could not be Mr. Kong as he was pale & wimpy-looking.

Tooyen decide to call Mr. Kong on cell phone, & imagine horror when pale monkey pick up his phone! Anyway, Tooyen was thirsty, so she sit down with Mr. Kong, whose real name is Lemuro. He say he in Secret Service, but TooYen see his postal badge. Oh well. Drinks were good & Tooyen not remember much after that, except Lemuro start to resemble King Kong after 10th drink.

Have to wonder why Lemuro was so interested in Tooyen's bank account numbers? Oh well, must be official postal secret service business. Long as he not Republican, everything o.k.

Finally pick up Tooyen's camera from pawn shop & took actual photo of Mr. Kong. Pawn shop drop camera, so got good discount. Not sure if blurriness is from alcohol or camera damage. See image at right:

Tooyen have other date in 15 minutes--need to freshen up.

Big Date Tonight

2006-02-06T06:52:00.000-05:00

Tooyen not selling enough stuff, so she need husband. Alcohol supply dangerously low. Last night spent hours online dating. Who knew so many male monkies would be interested? Post was honest: "Beautiful, exciting female with big brown eyes seeks hulking male to take long walks, swing from trees and have lots of sex. Did Tooyen mention that she loves sex? In fact, that all Tooyen think about -- S-E-X."

Imagine the surprise when mailbox filled with emails of monkey men wanting to meet Tooyen. Have 3 dates tonight already. Tell you all about it later. Right now need nap.

Grand Opening!

2006-02-05T19:04:00.000-05:00

TooYen opened her online store today! Have run out of alcohol & children to sell. Please help Tooyen keep up alcohol & cigarette habits at the level at which she has become accustomed. Tooyen look forward to your purchases.

Also coming: Tooyen will soon auction off armless monkeybaby on EBay.

WANTED

2006-02-05T16:33:00.000-05:00

Tooyen has been tricked by the Man. The Man told Tooyen that he was with Glamour Shots & wanted to take her photograph. Then TooYen saw this scandalous photo hanging in the post office! For the record, Tooyen's beard is much more beautiful in person & she doesn't drink beer. Well, maybe sometimes. Tooyen promises to post her photo when she gets her digital camera back from the pawn shop.

And who is DAMM? It is Drunks Against Mad Monkeys. Tooyen has to go hide now.

My Momentous Birth

2006-02-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

Because of emotional difficulties, Tooyen must refer to herself in the third person, or in the third monkey, if you will. One day, as TooYen's monkey mother was selling plantains in Japan, she had a strange pain. Something dropped onto the concrete, & TooYen was born. Her mother sold the bundle to a British family for two yen, and they took it to Hushville. The bundle would not stop crying, so they gave it a bottle. Thus began Tooyen's lifelong affair with alcohol.

The Hush family also adopted a bundle that was left on the stoop of their mansion. It was a puppy, but it looked so much like their forbears, that they named it Hush (Hush Hush), and dressed it in a tuxedo. Hush the Younger enjoyed eating scones & roasting his booty by the roaring fire. When his British parents died, they left Hush the estate in Hushville & Tooyen became his employee.

Meet TooYen

2006-02-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my world--I am TooYen. Tooyen was born cute little monkey in Japan and sold as baby. Tooyen's mother sold her to Hush family in Hushville--just across water from Alcatraz. Hush is dog, but he was adopted by British family & raised as British gentleman. He wears tuxedos & starts bad businesses.

Speaking of bad businesses, Tooyen was once waitress in Hush's restaurant. She fired for getting drunk & swinging from lights, not to mention throwing shit at customers. Next Tooyen worked as preschool bus driver. Once drove busload of children into building and it caught on fire--the bus, that is. But Tooyen getting ahead of herself . . .

Tooyen's favorite song is, "Tooyen so haaaapppy, drink lots of alcohol; smoke lots of cigaaaarrettes; sell all her children, to buy more alcohol . . ." Tooyen need nap now, but will tell you more tomorrow.

Tooyen So Happy

2006-02-04T19:54:00.000-05:00

Tooyen so happy, drink lots of alcohol ...

So sorry, Tooyen hung over right now and cannot post. Bottle is almost empty--have monkeybaby to sell, cheap. Will deliver. Oh wait, TooYen lost license after crash flaming bus into orphans. Oh well. You have to pick up monkeybaby.